me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.