Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
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AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.