Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
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When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Kids, do not try this at home!
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
eggs benadryl
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?