Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.