You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time