babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
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My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me when my alarm goes off
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Effort made
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]