I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.