Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.