Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.