When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?