Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
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It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?