I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it