[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Why is no one talking about this?!
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.