How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!