[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
You Might Also Like
some things should go without saying
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
🤣🤣💀
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.