Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
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[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
#oldknees
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.