Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while