My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Planet of the Apps.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.