When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
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Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”