Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
this makes me so uncomfortable
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Muppet Screams
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.