My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
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Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
japanese corn
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
same vibe as tangled headphones
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
October already? What’s next? November????
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right