Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
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Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme