warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
File under excellent bookstore names.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct