Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
This pepper has seen some shit
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.