Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
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There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Bro what is this
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
This could be us, but you weedin’.