OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.