We’ve all been there…
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I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Investing in beetcoin
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.