My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.