Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You Might Also Like
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Not recommended for beginners.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?