Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
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If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.