“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”