My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
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I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I鈥檓 saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he鈥檚 37.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you鈥檙e square. all comes down to who鈥檚 the faster cyclist
anytime I meet someone who doesn鈥檛 like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Someone once told me I can鈥檛 say I hate camping if I鈥檝e never been camping but I鈥檝e never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how鈥檚 this any different
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 馃槈
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don鈥檛 call ahead to see if it鈥檚 in stock and are like sooo shocked it鈥檚 not there. Baby!!! it鈥檚 your wedding dress!!! I鈥檝e called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.