Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
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I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?