The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book