I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork