home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.