you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Shortcut
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
oh shit
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*