My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
twitter is a journey
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My birth announcement for our third baby
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones