I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
You Might Also Like
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
This 4th of July, please remember…
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
January has been Januweary
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
yeah 😭