Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
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Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.