I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Look at this
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.