I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
They grow up so quick
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.