Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.