*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
You Might Also Like
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.