Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
me hitting on a model
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better