I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
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2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
#FunnyLife Insects
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”