I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
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just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Tuesday
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.