I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
You Might Also Like
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
this came to me in a vision
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.