*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
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I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth