Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
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Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
courtroom exchange of the day
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.